Peace...

When I look back and think about all that has happened in the past month I am completely overwhelmed, actually let me say "transformed".....this event....this CANCER has truly transformed and changed me forever.....

When I started this blog I never intended on it being about me, but rather only intended on it being about the kids. I have realized though through this process that even though I was the one with the cancer, it involved and impacted the whole family. Therefore I've realized that I need to share my story, that I need to savor these memories and feelings I've been having so that my kids can one day look back and see what we beat as a family....we all beat this cancer together.

I am going to tell you the naked, honest, brutal truth. This was the most emotional and worst week of my life. Once my stitches came out and my mom flew home and things slowly started to get back to normal I began to grasp and agonize and question everything that had happened. A friend put it best when he said getting cancer is like going through the 5 steps people go through when someone dies. This was absolutely true for me. When I was going through the process of beating this cancer I felt strong, I felt positive, I felt closer to GOD then I had ever felt in my life. Now once my doctor released me and sent me on my way I all of the sudden felt so scared, so alone. I was questioning everything this week. I threw myself into learning everything I could about melanoma. I read too much actually, and let me tell you there is some really scary stuff out there on the Internet that makes your imagination run wild. I was sure this week that the cancer was not gone. How was the doctor so sure? Why didn't I get any blood tests? Should I have gotten a lymph node removed just to be sure it had not spread? What if the lab results were wrong? What happens if the cancer comes back and I don't catch it as soon? And the list goes on and on.....

Every single night since my stitches came out I have been an emotional mess. I slowly grew farther from God and started to paralyze my mind with fears and "what if's" I felt so alone even though I have had more friends and family here for me then I ever even realized I had. And like I have said before, there is unfortunately very little out there in regards to support groups and resources for people battling melanoma. I have had nightmares, horrible scary nightmares every night. It got to the point where I would just dread going to bed because I knew I would either lay in bed letting my mind run wild or I would fall asleep and have a horrible nightmare.

I have to say I am usually always a a very positive person. I would like to think I'm pretty strong, especially after moving across the U.S away from all of our family and friends and starting from the beginning. This week I was not that strong woman.

I prayed and prayed this week. I prayed to GOD that he would release my anxieties, that he would take them for me so that I could live my life again. From morning until night I started constantly praying. And then two days ago my prayers were answered...

In one day I had three different people reach out to me who had all beat cancer. One person I hadn't talked to in years and two family friends who reached out to me from California. A friend I went to high school with was actually told a year ago that she was only going to live maybe 5 months and that her melanoma was so advanced that there was nothing she could do. She beat the odds, educated herself, immediately got second, third opinions and is now cancer free. She was the first to reach out to me and told me the words I needed to hear to turn my attitude in the right direction. I asked her how she was able to battle the anxiety, past the point where you are constantly questioning when and if the cancer will come back. She told me she would rather live one more happy year of life then waste a year worrying and stressing about the "what if's". This really stuck with me. I was wasting away my days doing this. I was not totally there for my kids, for my husband, for my friends. This wasn't fair to them either and it was a waste.

The next person to reach out was actually my old High school biology teacher, who also happens to be friends with my parents and live across the street. He called me from California on Friday and again gave me more strength and encouragement that I needed to hear. He was told 17 years ago that he would only survive 5-6 months after being diagnosed with cancer. At this point his two daughters were very young and he told me he made a decision that this was just not o.k. He beat the odds. He educated himself, he mentally and spiritually prepared himself and he fought. He gave me a lot of advice on what I need to do to make sure I am being proactive. It is known that once you get melanoma you have a high chance of it coming back again sometime in your life. I need to be aware and be proactive just like I was before. He also told me something else that really stuck with me. I told him that I felt helpless. I actually felt so scared when the doctor released me because now there was nobody taking care of me and fighting the cancer. He told me about imagery. He said when he was getting radiation all those years ago he would envision in his head that radiation killing each cancer cell click by click. He suggested I do this when I wake up from a nightmare. Your mind really does have the a lot to do with your attitude and your health. I need to picture myself healthy. I need to picture my life in 20 years when my kids are grown and in college. I need to picture life in 50 years sitting on the beach with my adoring husband. What I had been picturing this week was my kids growing up without their mommy. I was picturing my husband without a wife. This is not healthy, and this I knew had to stop.
The last person to reach out was also a good family friend who battled breast cancer about 5 years ago. She is a very emotional person like me and she admitted that she too at first was overwhelmed and sad and scared all the time. She said she finally decided one day that she was going to be strong. She made a decision and she stuck to it. I made that decision in the beginning, but then I fell into the trap and hold of the devil warping my mind with these crazy thoughts. I knew I needed to now make this decision and stop.
After talking to these three people I immediately made a phone call to my family doctor, who was the original doctor that removed the mole. Tyler called my dermatologist and we all came to the conclusion that further tests needed to be done for me to be able to move forward and be sure this cancer was gone. I was now back in control.
We are now in the process of getting referred to Duke medical center where they have a prestigious melanoma cancer center. We are going to be pushing to get a PET scan done. This is a test they can do on me where it will show any "hot" spots in my body, meaning any areas will light up if there is or could be cancer. It will also give us a baseline map to go off of if anything further does come up down the road.  I already feel stronger. I already feel like I have been released from all this fear. Like I have said before, this is your body, be proactive. Because Tyler and I both have pushed on this we will now be seeing a oncologist who specializes in this field.  This is not to say my doctor has not been excellent, because really he has and is amazing. But I do feel strongly that I need to get a second opinion and need further tests so that I know I have done everything there is to do so that I can be sure and fight this cancer if it has spread or if it comes back.
We just got back from attending church. It was surprising for me to hear the sermon tonight, in fact it makes me smile every time I think back to the pastors words. I think this was God's way of summing up and reassuring me of my week. The sermon tonight was all about how you look to God during tough times. How you fight against the "enemy" and how life is a game that you are here to fight. David Chadwick spoke about how God is not the one who places diseases and horrible circumstances in our life, he is the one that helps us to fix it and heal and recover. He is and has been the one that has healed me, that has helped me to catch this so cancer so early. It makes me smile because if I had heard this sermon last week I probably would not have had the emotional, horrible week that I had. I think that God wanted me to go through this week though, to learn more about myself then I ever had. To start fresh. To take control again of my life and to have a stronger faith in him then I had ever had before. So....even though this was the worst week of my life, in the end it was also the best. I am back and I feel so strong and so lucky to have caught this and beat this. I will never be the same again after this experience and I am glad for that. I hope one day soon I can teach someone else this lesson that I have learned. I now have some peace.

Finally...the stiches are out and I can hold my babies!!!!

Yay! I had another doctor's appointment today and finally got my stitches out and am able to slowly start using my arm again without my sling. I actually went Tuesday to get them out, but they didn't end up coming out due to the patient doing a little too much with her arm (oops!) Anyways, I could not wait to pick up and hold my babies!!!! It's been about 3 weeks now and I was more anxious to start changing diapers and cleaning up spit up then I had ever been in my life! Like I have said before, there have been many lessons that I have learned through this journey and another one has been how much I appreciate the little things that I am able to do on a day to day basis with my kids. I am so fortunate to be able to stay at home with them and so appreciative of all the little things I have missed out on doing hands on during these past three weeks.


So at this point all the cancer is gone from my arm. I did get another 3 moles removed today, partly because I'm paranoid over every single mole on my body and partly because the doctor did think they looked a little suspicious. I should get the results back in about a week to two weeks. I am praying for peace at this point. I wake up at night and think about getting cancer or what if I have cancer some where else and don't know it, or what would happen if my kids don't have a mom, etc. It's pretty bad. I am praying that God will give me the peace I need and praying that he will help me to be less paranoid about every spot I see. I am hoping that volunteering though the skin cancer society will help me to get rid of this craziness by giving back and teaching others about melanoma.

Some more pics =)

Celebration Weekend!!!

After hearing the great news from the doctors on Friday that all the cancer is gone, we decided to celebrate this weekend! I still can't travel far, but they gave the o.k for us to travel as far as an hour and a half. In the midst of all of this diagnosis it was my birthday, our anniversary and Tyler's birthday!!! We really didn't celebrate at all because all we could think of and have anxiety about was the cancer, so we had a great weekend to make up for that! On Saturday we went to a small town nearby called Matthews. They have a big festival and parade every year. We weren't here this time last year, so all these upcoming festivals and events are all new to us. Layla had a blast watching the parade and riding the ponies and carousal. On Sunday we went out of town to Columbia, SC. We went to Edventure Children's museum, which was so amazing. That night we stayed at a Hotel and the next day went to the Columbia Zoo. It was great that our "Mora" was able to experience this all with us and the kids. We were all exhausted when we got home, but we had such a great time and felt like a hundred pound weight had been lifted from our shoulders and we could finally breathe. We are going to miss our Mora so much when she leaves us Saturday. Layla especially has grown so attached to her this trip and I'm having a hard time even thinking about how Layla is going to react when she leaves. At least we have November to look forward to!

Our prayers have been answered!!!

I am almost speechless writing this...in awe of all of my amazing friends, family and most important of all....God. Our prayers have been answered. I received a call tonight from my amazing nurse, Tina. It was all but a 1 minute phone call where she told me that she was happy to say that all the cancer was gone! She told me to celebrate, but "not too much" because I'm still healing. I feel so blessed beyond belief. I feel like I have a new calling in life, and that is to teach as many people as I can about skin cancer. I have already signed up to volunteer through the skin cancer society. I think I shocked many of them when my questionnaire asked when I was diagnosed with cancer and when I was cured....yep, I had to say it was only a few days ago and that I was on the road to recovery. From the sound of her email I don't think anyone has ever volunteered this early. I truly feel though that the reason I was given this was to teach others. Our recent sermon at church was even about being God's vessel and conveying a message through him to others in any way you can. This, I truly believe is now my calling. Through much recent research I've been doing since I've been diagnosed I've learned that many more young moms are being diagnosed with skin cancer, especially shortly after pregnancy. Doctors believe this is due to a rise in estrogen and this causes many moles to change and develop. I had never heard this before and young moms especially need to know about this. Just so happens that almost all of my friends are moms. I guess I'm that vessel that God chose to spread the word and make people aware
Thank you is not enough to say to everyone who has supported me through this. All of the texts, emails, letters, cards, flowers, food, etc. has been what has keep my spirits up and kept me going. The two times I cried the most through this journey have been when I was diagnosed and when I received the phone call it was gone. The in between emotions have been strength and that was because of the people that have surronded me and of course our savior, God. Thank you friends.
xoxoxo riss

Good News!!!

First of all THANK YOU for all your emails, cards, phone calls, texts, flowers, etc. I can't even tell you how much this has lifted my spirits!!! We received a phone call last night from the doctor and my other three moles that were removed were benign!!!!!! What a relief this was to hear!!! Now all we are waiting on and praying for is the results from the cancer they removed. We should hear back on Friday about whether all of the cancer was removed on my arm. At this point please continue to pray for these things:
*Strength and health for my mom and Tyler, who have been the main caretakers of me, Layla and Blake
*Results to come back from the doctor showing ALL of the cancer was removed
*Recovery and good healing of my arm....still lots of pain and still unable to use it at all

Hope this picture doesn't gross you out too much. Also hope this picture scares you enough to go get yourselves checked!!!!!!

Cancer.

Wow...what a week....what a journey....what a life changing week....On Monday, August 23 I realized at 2:45 that my life would never again be the same. Never in my worst dreams would I believed that I would be battling cancer before the age of 30 with a barely 3 month old son and toddler at home. I have relied on my faith in Christ more then I ever had in my life this week and I have also felt closer to him more then I ever had in my life. This I knew....that my faith and my spirit was going to be what was going to get my through this journey. This journey that I continue to be on and have been taking day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I have had many lessons to be learned through this journey.....and I mean many lessons. The most prominate being that this was in God's plan and only HE knows the outcome of this and because of this I need to trust in HIM more then ever and cast all my fears, anxiety's and worries onto him. This has been the most difficult thing for me. As many of you know I am a constant worrier....I worry about anything that has the option to be worried about...seriously. I also have had a hard time with the fact that people are worried about me. I was even hesitant to let people know what was going on because I didn't want people to worry about me. This, I realize now, was silly and because I let go of this fear I have literally felt every prayer said for me. I have NEVER felt so lifted up in my life. People I haven't spoken to in years are praying for me, people I have never met are praying for me, people I have known my whole life or people I have only known for a few months are praying for me. I have felt more love then I ever have in my whole life. This diagnosis, this "cancer" has made me realize how many amazing people are in my life and how blessed I am to know each of them.
Another lesson through this journey has been the reminder that life is so fragile, so short and so delicate. We never know when life can take a detour, when life can take you down a road unknown. It makes all those silly things you worried about and cried about before not matter at all. In the end all that matters are the people who are surrounding you, the people who really truly love you. The people who are positive energy in your life. The people who make you happy. It doesn't matter what house you live in, what cars you drive, how much money is in your bank account. What matters is the ones you love. To know how quickly my mom jumped on a plane from California to come here is beyond heartwarming and amazing. To know how many people are praying for me is amazing. To have homemade meals made for us and delivered and flowers sent and notes written has been amazing.
Another lesson for us all should be to take care of our bodies. If I was not proactive and determined to make sure my doctor removed my moles I would not be as lucky as I hope to be  today. I can't tell you how many times I have heard doctors tell me "let's just watch it" I learned from having abnormal results in the past that I was never again going to "watch it" Even this melanoma my doctor did not think looked suspicious or met the criteria, but I insisted. You better believe from here on out I will always be proactive with my body, always be aware of how I am treating my body, taking care of my body and healing my body. My hope and prayer is that everyone goes and gets checked after learning of my diagnosis. I pray that I am able to save as many people as I can from this horrible prognosis. I pray that those people are able to catch it early and help others as well. Be proactive, be aware of your body and what is going on and most importantly take care of your body. What did those wasted years of going to the tanning booth and laying out in the sun do to me? Maybe gave me a few weeks of looking tan. Big flipping deal if you end up with cancer in the end. IS that worth it?
At this point I am still in lots of pain. I am unable to use my right arm at all....yes, I have gotten very good at typing with one hand. I can't pick up my newborn son, nor cuddle or pick up my daughter. I'm pretty useless at this point, but also have been blessed beyond belief to have my mom here to take care of the kids and Tyler is also off of work and has been amazing. The pain does get better every day though and the wound looks like it is healing really well. I ended up with about 37 stitches. The doctor said my arm will never be the same just because of how many nerves were damaged during the surgery and how much muscle was removed. I will take that any day over ridding this cancer from my body though.
At this point I ask that you specifically pray for these things:
*The doctor has removed all of the cancer from my body and all results come back clear.
*My anxiety and worries are left to God...that I learn to leave it all up to him so I can go forward in my life without constantly being paranoid.
*pray for good health and strength for Tyler and my mom who have been the constant caretakers for our two babies and myself

My test results should come back sometime near the end of next week showing whether the cancer is gone and also will show if there is any cancer in the other 3 moles he ended up removing. I have added some pictures of some of the amazing treats we have received from friends and family. My amazing lifegroup at church made this huge gift basket filled with amazing goodies, as well as these two posters they called "encouragement posters" that were filled with verses from the bible. What an amazing gift.
Thank you is not enough to say to all of you, but that's all I can think to say now. I am just in awe of all of your love and support. I will keep you updated with any news we hear.
xoxoxoRiss